He had arrived home from military service about eight years before suffering from a bad case of PTSD.  The first few years were rocky, but he eventually managed to “suck it up and drive on” – complying with the expectation to quit drinking and using drugs and get on with life, as his dad did after Vietnam.  A few years later we got married and he began college.  Our first child arrived 16 months later.

On the surface, he was doing great…husband, father, full-time student, part-time university employee…but not far below the surface he was starting to splinter.  Stress overwhelmed him all day, every day.  People told him to relax.  He would say, “I’d LOVE to relax! How do you DO that?”

He went to a pastor… he went to a therapist…they both said to take a vacation and “relax”.  He went away frustrated that no one could tell him the magical secrets of relaxation.  He really needed treatment for PTSD, but they were still defining and naming the condition back then, and any help available was strictly for Vietnam veterans.

Then a friend gave him speed…just to get this one paper written…just this one time…

For the next three years my husband was a slave to his cruel mistress.  He threw away everything he had…and everything I had. I shared on another post some things I wish I had known – but here I want to talk about the question: to stay or not to stay?  When you love someone who treats you like garbage and throws you over for anything else (whether another woman or any kind of addiction)…do you “stand by your man”?  Or do you cut your losses and move on?

Well, those are unrealistic extremes, and I have learned good judgment is more often somewhere in-between.

While I don’t believe in an “answer-in-a-box” that fits all people in all situations, there are absolutes – and the supreme absolute is love.

When a marriage veers off track, love is easily thrown out the window.  We forget our actions (and reactions) should be motivated by love . . . and love does what is in the best interest of the beloved.  What is best won’t necessarily line up with what I want or what he wants.  It is not about one or the other “winning”, or even about saving the marriage.

Motive is key.

If I choose my actions based on what I think will save the marriage . . . that is not love.  If I get fed up and, in anger, kick my husband out….that is not love.  But, if I recognize that it is wrong and harmful for him to continue this selfish and destructive lifestyle and refuse  to continue supporting his behavior (by kicking him out) . . . that is an act of love.

Knowing that motive is key and love is required is a good start, but figuring out a course of action can still be tough.  We church-goers receive a lot of training on being a good spouse and what it takes to have a good marriage, but there’s not much instruction when your spouse abandons you (or abuses you, or turns into an enemy, etc – whatever the case may be).

I’ve found that listening to the experiences of others is a big help in sorting out the issues to make difficult decisions…motivated by love, rather than vindictiveness or anger.

That’s a tall order, but so is a marriage vow.

Many times in the middle of the insanity I just wanted to take our daughter and get off the crazy train!  Some of my reasons for sticking with him were not completely rational.  Since we had a child, he would always be involved in my life (that part is true), and I wanted to control the situation as much as possible (a reasonable desire, but). I believed I could put enough pressure on him to get him into treatment (ah, the unreasonable part).

Of course, I could NOT make him do anything, and the more I tried to fix him the more he focused on me as his problem.  I also worried how our daughter would react to losing her father, but I underestimated the negative impact he already had on her.

I never gained the objective perspective of true love, but I did finally kick Caleb out.

He went to a “recovery house” for a while.  He came home playing at recovery…talking a good game and doing the bare minimum to avoid being kicked out again. For instance, I required him to attend 12 step meetings. When he did go, it was just to appease me…and often he did not even go.  Having only one car and a toddler to care for, I could never prove it…so I felt trapped.

The last year of his addiction we lived like that.  I probably should have kicked him out again based on my gut instincts (or God’s promptings?), but I did not trust myself and was too fearful of making the wrong choice.

In the end, God took it out of my hands.  Caleb was arrested.

I considered this the final blow…the end to any hope of a normal life.  At that moment, did I care more about my husband’s welfare or about my “normal” life?  I honestly could not see the difference. I thought they were the same thing.

Though I still had so much to learn, God showed mercy to me.

As it turns out, Caleb’s arrest marked the beginning of his recovery from addiction.  The court offered an intensive, 12-month minimum, court-supervised program, with the threat of jail for non-compliance and/or non-completion.  Drug tests 5 days a week and random, unannounced house searches left no wiggle room for my very slippery husband!

Although the program was court supervised, it was not court mandated.  By this time Caleb was desperate for a way out. He wanted his life back.  Our second daughter was only a few days old and he was determined to be a father to his two girls…so he volunteered for the program.  You may ask, “Why didn’t he care about you and his oldest daughter enough to do whatever it takes?” The answer is unknown…even to him.  It was just time.

During that year, we both learned a great deal about the nature of addiction, principles of recovery, and perhaps most importantly, relapse prevention.  We realized Caleb had exhibited classic relapse warning signs at least 18 months before his buddy made the fateful offer.  One of which was associating with said friend!

Knowing the signs and the right ways to respond has made a huge difference for us.

I am glad I chose not to abandon him.  I always believed “he” was still in there somewhere…the man I loved and married.  It was not easy, and none of my doing, but God was gracious and brought him back to me…and I am grateful.

The post When Love Doesn’t Go the Way it Should appeared first on Adventures in Loving.

Well, maybe I should just say “people” don’t like to talk about their dark days.  There may be more pressure in the Christian community to “have it all together”, but I think it’s the norm for most people to put on a façade of success and happiness.  Except for the martyrs…then it’s darkness and despair 24/7!

The thing is, we experience the most growth during difficulty. . .and when others are going through similar circumstances, it can be encouraging to hear from someone who has already been there…and lived to tell about it!

Probably the most traumatic time for me was the three years that my husband was addicted to drugs.  It may not have been the most dreadful circumstance I’ve experienced, but I was so completely blindsided by it and I never developed coping skills.  It was just three horrific years and then it was over.  What I gained from that time was mostly in hindsight.

There are three things I wish I had known back then…maybe they can help someone else.

1.  You Can’t Fix Them:  Ironically, I only began to understand this when my husband (in recovery) insisted that HE was in charge of his own recovery…not ME.  He had been so out of control that I had become obsessed with controlling and fixing him. I took the “two shall become one” a bit too far and lost all perspective on his individual responsibility.  Be aware, you will never be able to understand the “why” of anything they do…you can’t figure it out and you can’t change it.  You can only change you.

That’s a nice saying, but when you need to know, “what do I do?” and “How do I handle this?”. . .well, move on to #2

2.  Get Support:  Find people who have walked in your shoes and can encourage you. Avoid anyone who says they have the answers or can solve your problems! I did not get support because I lived in a sea of well intentioned problem solvers.  I resented being viewed as a “person with a problem” and could not tolerate another lecture on how to fix my messed up life!  Why in the world would I willingly go to a “support” group? I had no use for a gang of angry women pushing their agenda on me.  The thing is, none of my well-intentioned-problem-solvers had any comparable experience and were not representative of the kind of support that was available to me.

As I struggled with my husband managing his own recovery, I began to attend an Al-Anon group.  To my amazement, there was not a word of advice given, they were not angry, they were not all women, and they did not have an agenda! They simply shared their stories and what they had learned (experience, strength, and hope, as they say).  I could relate to their circumstances and found a lot of truth and wisdom that could have been very helpful during the “years of desolation.”

3.  Ask For & Accept Help:  As a very self-reliant problem solver, this was a foreign concept to me. (Could be why I was surrounded by problems solvers?)  I was aware that I was drowning, but was so overwhelmed and inexperienced at seeking help that I didn’t even know what I needed.  One friend in particular asked many times what she could do for me . . . I absolutely never knew what to say.

Several years later when my brother’s wife passed away, a wonderful group of friends did NOT offer to help…they just showed up every other day with a meal, once a week to clean his house, every morning to pick up his kids (taking one to school and the others home to play with their own kids so my brother could go to work).  He probably could have managed all these things…but he had no experience at running a household, he was grieving and overwhelmed, and these ladies really helped him get through the next few years.

In the best of situations, you would have friends like these.  I however, had become very isolated over the three years and had very few friends (just problem solving acquaintances).  But if you have any friends or family who would be willing to lend a hand, ask them to babysit, vacuum, help with laundry and cooking, work on your car or do some yard-work.  Actually, make a list of the things you do or need to do that someone else could do.  When someone offers to help, let them choose!  I was capable of accomplishing everything myself, so I didn’t understand why I should ask for help…but it would have taken a bit of the load off me…and reducing stress is very helpful!

Most importantly, in the middle of the darkness, when you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, hold on to the truth that God is with you.

“Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Psalm 23:4

The post The Valley of the Shadow of Death: 3 Things I Wish I Knew When My Husband Was Hooked on Drugs appeared first on Adventures in Loving.

After all, the Bible says to forgive offenders “seventy times seven times” . . . and doesn’t Jesus say, “turn the other cheek”?

Seems like codependent training to me!

Before we go too far, maybe I had better step back and be more clear about the term “codependence”.

The idea of codependence has been around for a long time now – long enough for most everyone to have their own perception of its meaning.  For instance, during my husband’s addiction years I defined codependence as a refusal to acknowledge a loved one’s addiction while covering up and fixing the addict’s problems.  My superficial interpretation protected me from the dreaded diagnosis.

I understood one potential aspect of codependent behavior, but fell significantly short of the whole picture.

If you have interest in a thorough discussion, you can check it out here.

Denial and fixing (or rescuing), as mentioned above, are common reactions.  My own response (also common) developed from a belief that my own needs and feelings were not as important as others.

Christians may indeed fall more easily into this trap when faced with a beloved addict. I know my own beliefs about forgiveness and putting the welfare of others first certainly played a role in my unhealthy early responses to Caleb’s addiction.

Balance and Forgiveness

But I came to understand codependency as a perversion of the precepts I followed.    Typical of our Enemy, to take truth and distort it just enough to create a weapon!

The truth is:  Forgiveness cancels a debt.  It does not create or maintain a victim.

I forgive someone for hurting me and I protect myself from abuse.  These are not mutually exclusive!  Jesus’ instruction to “turn the other cheek” contrasts the Law’s requirement for retribution.  It is not relationship advice!

When dealing with an addict, I do not repay them for their offenses.  But I hold them accountable for the consequences of their actions (or inactions).

Hurts pile up quickly living with and/or loving an addict.  Forgiveness is critical and letting go of payback is necessary.  But the fall into codependence is not characterized by forgiveness or release of revenge.  Codependence is born of stubborn self-interest and fueled by fear.

I know it sound harsh, but I have heard the same story countless times (as well as my own.)

We love the addict.  He/she used to be so wonderful and successful.  We know he/she can be that person again, stop hurting us, and give us what we want/need.  We hang on and “help” and lecture and manage the chaos, not because we truly want what is best for the addict (although we want that too), but because we feel we need something from them and are fearful of losing the person or relationship.

We don’t really forgive – we keep careful track of offenses.  We don’t let go of revenge – they owe us big time!

Balance and Love

As a result, we tenaciously attempt to change things we can’t control (the addict), unwilling to undertake the difficult task of truly loving by setting boundaries.

Love does not accept unacceptable behavior.

Love cannot demand or bring out good behavior, but it can walk away from unacceptable behavior – for the ultimate benefit of the abuser.  Love allows the addict to bear the consequences of his/her behavior, because it is truly best for the addict (Proverbs talks extensively about personal responsibility for choices.)

Mike Wells used to tell a story – which I do not recommend – but it makes a great point.  Talking with the wife of an abuser, Mike counseled her, the next time her husband raised his fist she should give him a big hug and say, “I love you”.  The woman returned after a week with glowing reports . . . her husband fled the house, visibly shaken.  At every attempt to return she immediately reminded him of her love – and he would run away again.  She was thrilled.  Mike then instructed her to pack up all her husband’s things, put them on the porch, and change all the locks.  Mike explained to the shocked woman – a loving wife does not allow her husband to sin against her.  The exercise of the previous week served the sole purpose of adjusting her motive from fear/punishment to love.

Again, I think that first week a bit extreme just to make a point and could have been dangerous (glad it worked out for her.)  But, it does illustrate my point in rather dramatic fashion.

My Codependence Wrap Up

Sometimes I think the story of Caleb and my reconciliation gives others struggling with addiction and codependence a false hope for their own dysfunctional relationships.

I was committed to Caleb and our marriage, but I also had to give up my hopes and dreams for our marriage when I kicked him out of our house.  I had no assurances he would ever seek recovery.  I had to come to terms with the more likely outcome of death on the streets – not an easy thing for my compassionate heart.  And when I failed to kick him out a second time when it was necessary, God mercifully put him in jail.

To my amazement, during our “recovery” I had almost as much apologizing to do as Caleb did . . .because I had often allowed selfishness and fear to thwart true (aka “tough”) love.

Battling codependence requires a deeper understanding of Biblical teaching about love.  We can’t accept superficial, sentimental ideas which lack the muscle to withstand unthinkable circumstances.

My codependence story is not over (too bad – I wish it were.)  As my husband continues to struggle with physical and mental illness, to the point I am now his “caregiver”, I am engaged in a careful balancing act – watching and guarding against unhealthy tendencies cleverly masquerading as compassion and love.

The post The Christian and Codependence appeared first on Adventures in Loving.

Purpose

• Keeps from sin (Ex 20:20)
• Brings the LORD delight (Psa 147:11)

Benefit

• The LORD watches over and delivers from death and famine. (Psa 33:18-19), (Psa 34:7)
• They lack nothing (Psa 34:9); have food (Psa 111:5); and are blessed (Psa 112:1)
• They receive God’s love – as great as the heavens are high above the earth (Psa 103:11) and endures forever (Psa 103:17), (Psa 118:4), (Psa 147:11)
• God fulfills their desires, hears their cry and saves them (Psa 145:19)
• Leads to knowledge (Prov 1:7) and wisdom (Prov 9:10) (Prov 15:33)
• Adds length to life (Prov 10:27) and turns from deadly traps (Prov 14:27) (Prov 19:23)
• Brings confidence and refuge for children (Prov 14:26)
• Leads to contented rest – free from trouble (Prov 19:23)
• Brings riches, honor, and life (Prov 22:4)
• Freedom from fear of punishment and people (Psa 23:4), (Prov 29:25), (Rom 8:15), (Luke 12:5), (I John 4:18)

Quality

• Applies to every person (Ecc 12:13)
• Pure, enduring forever (Psa 19:9)
• Humble (Prov 22:4)

(I’ve included these verses and more, here)

So . . . quite an extensive topic!   This fear of the LORD seems foundational to a relationship with God.

I must admit, I don’t like this.  The “fear of the Lord” rubs me the wrong way.  I like to think of love as foundational instead.

But the command to fear God appears roughly twice as much as the command to love God, and most of the love commands intrinsically include instructions to obey.  I think this verse probably bundles everything up best.

Deu 10:12-13 And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?

To be honest, the phrase “for your own good” rubs me the wrong way too.  We don’t much care for stuff that is for our own good.  It sounds like medicine, or discipline, or some other yucky thing that ends with “ine.”

But, I have found, fearing God is liberating . . . and not like medicine, which cures our illness but leaves a bitter taste, but more like an escape route from prison we avoid – fearing more pain than our cell – only to find the path to love and joy and freedom.

Part of my aversion to the phrase is an idea that we only fear abuse, or someone who would mistreat us for stepping out of line (like thinking independently) . . . or we imagine being chased by a monster!  If we view God as a human peer or spouse, his behavior would certainly be classified as unhealthy.

But God is far from a peer.  I think a healthy parent-child relationship illustrates the concept more closely.  It’s an imperfect shadow, but helpful.

Any parent who has held their newborn knows overwhelming love – the need to protect and do whatever it takes to see this little human grow into a happy, successful adult.  As children grow and develop, we provide rules and instruction to help train them toward success.

For the most part, they don’t like our rules.   They don’t want to eat healthy foods, they don’t want to get enough sleep, they don’t want to go to school, they don’t want to pick up their stuff, and they don’t want to work for anything they want to receive.  We don’t want our kids to be afraid of us, but we do want them to take our boundaries and teaching seriously – for their own good!

In a healthy parent-child relationship, the parent communicates great love and affection with words and hugs – praise and encouragement – and with reasonable limits . . . enforced with negative consequences if need be.  We don’t insist on respect out of some egotistical need.  We require respect so kids will follow the rules, which they need to mature into happy, responsible adults.  We demand respect because we love our children.  At least, we aim for this model.

God created us for love and fellowship with him.  Because forced love is not true love, God gave us a choice.  Our choice was for pride and rejection of the divine love story.  But in that overwhelming love of a parent (or Creator), he made a way for restoration.

So here is where the rubber meets the road and the fear of the LORD is crucial.

When we see God for who he is in all his awesome power and glory – when we understand the greatness of who he is along with our own contribution of zero dollars and zero cents to the equation – then we can start to understand the terror we should feel at disregarding his commands and the reverence he deserves . . . which is the fear of the LORD.

Embracing the fear of the LORD results in humility, which allows God’s love and grace into our life.

And that love and grace releases us from slavery to other people – characterized by the struggle with low self-esteem and its unhealthy opposite, high self-esteem.

• I am a slave when I believe lies about myself – that I need to be smarter, prettier, more talented, nicer, etc. to feel accepted and worthwhile – or that I am worthwhile because of these qualities.

TRUTH:  The LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in his unfailing love. (Ps 147:11)

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.(Mat 10:29-31)

“What is mankind that you are mindful of them, a son of man that you care for him?  You made them a little lower than the angels; you crowned them with glory and honor.” (Heb 2:6b-7)

• I am a slave when I believe lies about my life – that I need a boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, a baby, a college degree, a better career, car, house, wardrobe, etc. to be happy and successful.

TRUTH: Humility is the fear of the LORD; its wages are riches and honor and life. (Proverbs 22:4)

Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don’t have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless like chasing the wind. (Ecclesiastes 6:9)

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. (Col 3:1-2)

• I am a slave when I believe lies about my relationships – that I need to make others happy, that others need me, that my welfare is not as important as others, and that all relationship success is my responsibility.

TRUTH:  The fear of the LORD leads to life; then one rests content, untouched by trouble. (Prov 19:23)

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. (Gal 6:4-5)

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Mat 11:28-30)

• I am a slave when I believe the people and events in my life are out of control – or when I believe they are safely under my control.

TRUTH:  In the fear of the LORD one has strong confidence, and it will be a refuge for his children. The fear of the LORD is like a life-giving fountain, to turn people from deadly snares. (Prov 14:26-27)

Our God is in heaven; he does whatever pleases him. (Psa 115:3)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (Phil 4:6)

• I am a slave when I accept and believe the judgements of others – positive or negative.

TRUTH:  The fear of people becomes a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD will be set on high. (Prov 29:25)

The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. (1 Sam 16:7)

no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD. (Isa 54:17)

• I am a slave when I don’t know who I am, where I am going, and why I am here.

TRUTH:  Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind. (Ecc 12:13)

Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: (Psa 37:3-5)

For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. (Eph 2:10)

• I am a slave when painful memories keep me trapped in anxiety, fear, resentment, and failure.

TRUTH:  there is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love. (I John 4:18)

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: (2 Co 5:17-18)

Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Col 3:13)

• I am a slave when I need anyone, anything, or any circumstance to gain peace, purpose, or safety.

TRUTH:  But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. (Psa 33:18-19)

In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, (Eph 1:11)

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. (Isa 26:3)

• I am a slave when I feel trapped in my self-destructive behavior.

TRUTH:  The fear of God will be with you to keep you from sinning. (Ex 20:20b)

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” (Rom 8:15)

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. (Gal 5:16)

I think each of these false beliefs warrants an individual post – but this post about the fear of the LORD is quite long enough!

Has the fear of the LORD rescued you from lies?  What truths aided your escape?

The post Does God Really Want Our Fear? appeared first on Adventures in Loving.