Psalm 120:2 Save me, LORD, from lying lips and from deceitful tongues.
Lies are one of the most hateful and painful weapons.
Lies destroy lives and relationships.
Physical blows are sometimes more honest. If someone says, “I hate you,” and hits me, at least I know the situation, but if they say, “I’m your friend,” and lie to me, I am in the dark. I need someone to switch on the lights so I can understand and respond.
The day those lights came on and revealed the greatest liar in my life, I was stunned.
It turns out, I was my own biggest liar.
The Epiphany
The thing is, I don’t lie to other people. Ask anybody who’s known me very long. I love people and I love the truth and the idea of lying makes me queasy. Not tooting my horn, just explaining why this revelation was so shocking to me.
The epiphany came while reading a book.* I never owned the book. I’m not sure it was even a very good book, but the basic premise claimed about 80 – 90% of the problems we face in some way result from our own actions (not necessarily “wrong” actions) and the other 10 – 20% which are completely out of our control serve the purpose of developing character and deepening relationships . . . depending on our response.
Again, I don’t know how he arrived at those statistics – I can’t vouch for any of his statements or methods – the book is just part of this story.
The author laid out a very organized and methodical plan for solving all problems! Of course, the organized and methodical part appealed to me.
I don’t remember the “system”, but the concept went something like this: When you encounter a problem, ask yourself whether you were involved in causing the problem in any way (no fault, just involved). If you were involved, ask yourself what your motivation was for whatever you did or said. The initial answer will probably be a “fake” answer…the one that is reasonable (plausible), the one you want to believe and the one you want others to believe. But often, this is not the real motivation. He gave a bunch of questions to ask yourself to get to the real answer, like:
- What was I trying to accomplish?
- How did I think my actions or words would help bring about the thing I wanted to accomplish?
- What did I expect to happen when I did or said the thing?
I decided to try this out on a few situations at work . . . and the moment I did not accept my “fake” answer, but continued to examine my intentions and what I hoped to achieve with certain actions (that caused some anger), was the (shocking) moment the lights came on.
I realized I was trying to control a situation – or guide it toward certain outcomes – all the time truly believing my own story of “completely wonderful and innocent employee simply doing my job.”
I also found I had perfected a skill that reached far beyond the workplace.
This great revelation came during the early days of Caleb’s drug and alcohol recovery. I finally decided to stick my toe in the Al-Anon water, just to see if I could stomach it. I was very skeptical, but found encouragement and learned a lot. None of that would have been possible before setting aside the web of lies I was telling myself. It turns out, I was not the totally innocent victim. The recovery process would require both Caleb and I to take responsibility for our actions.
The Aftermath
The thing is, I like my lies. I like to think I know myself and my purposes, and I like to believe that, despite understandable human frailty, all my intentions are basically good. When others respond toward my words or actions as though my aim is selfish or mean, I effortlessly protect myself with, “That’s their problem.”
And it might very well be “their problem.” Sometimes this is absolutely true. I can’t be responsible for both the speaking and the hearing in communication and it would be unreasonable to take on that responsibility.
But not every mis-communication is “their problem.” Sometimes others detect attitudes I don’t even know about . . . . and I will never know they exist without a deeper connection with honesty.
As much as I enjoy my version of myself, I find it helpful to run through the “motive checklist” when a response clashes with my goal. Do I always do this? No. Do I always find it useful? Yes. Sometimes I change course and resolve problems, but even when a change is not required and conflicts remain, I gain more peace and less anxiety over the situation.
And sometimes I simply gain more benefit from sermons and Bible study.
The other day my Bible study group was reflecting on I Samuel 25. We sketched a profile of the main characters; David (rushing to solve his problem in an unwise way), Nabal (selfish, stupid, and greedy), and Abigail (Wise, quick thinking, taking brave Godly action). The leader asked, “who do you identify with the most?” I had to laugh because honestly, I’m usually like David. But as I hasten to solve my own problems, my imagination assures me I am Abigail, taking wise Godly action!
Still prone to lie to myself.
Yes, it is the never-ending battle with pride. But, since I found out about my self-deception abilities, at least one weapon is a bit duller.
*I believe it was a now out-of-print book called “How to Solve Every Problem and Make Life More Positive” (or something similar) by Chuck Spezzano. I don’t necessarily endorse Mr. Spezzano or his work in general, but God used this book and I want to give credit where credit is due.
