“Judgment” is one of Christianity’s bad words – along with its cousin “Guilt”.
And I get why these words have fallen out of favor. I have been attending churches for roughly 50 years now. I have no illusions about the kinds of people who go to church and lead in church – and about the love shortage in many churches.
The indictments are true…Christians often shoot their wounded. And Christians can be downright ugly to sinners. I have seen it. I have even experienced it.
A backlash outside the church, along with sad stories of misdirected enthusiasm within the church, have spawned what I would call a No Judgment movement. Mostly non-Christians have taken to instructing churches to follow Jesus’ teachings more closely, and many within the church have jumped on the bandwagon with the popular slogan, “no judgment – only love”.
Jesus clearly instructed his followers not to judge.
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Matthew 7: 1-2
. . . and later Jesus said, “I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world” John 12:47
And the warnings continue throughout the New Testament:
Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. Romans 14:13
Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. James 4:11
My Family’s Judgment
Judgment has played a significant role in the life of our family. The five of us have been slapped with the “disapproved” stamp more often than I can tell.
My husband has probably suffered the most judgment; as an addict, as a person with mental illness, as a disabled person – a man who is not working to support his family, and as the other parent of aforementioned wild-child . . . and all those judgments, in one form or another, fell on our children as well.
Our girls’ selection of friends was severely limited. Our girls made friends, but after meeting Caleb the children suddenly became completely unavailable for any social interaction whatsoever. One little girl told our daughter, “My dad says I can’t play with you because your dad is crazy.”
My Family at Church
Of all the judgment heaped on our family, I would say a fair amount originated from church-folk…but they by no means held a corner on the market. I think we expected more from our church family, so we felt that rejection more keenly.
I have seen people slip into the back row of a church, sit arms crossed glaring at everyone, then declare the church “unfriendly” because no-one talked to them. I have also seen people go into a church, be treated the same as any other public place, but insist everyone was judging them.
I am not talking about this kind of unreasonable expectation.
Growing up as a pastor’s daughter, I was sort-of automatically accepted at church. As a young adult before marriage, churches I visited or attended were glad to have me. I know what warmly welcomed and immediately included looks like. So, I am not just imagining things or being overly sensitive when I say our family has been made aware many times that we are not the type of family churches are looking for. We don’t fit the profile.
We were always perfectly welcome to be there, but most were relieved to see us just move along. Leaders often tried to get us “plugged in”, and we found a few accepting acquaintances along the way, but were generally excluded from social activities outside of Sunday services.
I just do not fit any normal church-related social groups. And beyond my husband’s physical and mental illnesses, his interests don’t really align with the soccer-dad types who tend to make up the male churchgoing population. My daughter calls them “casual dads”.
Our oldest was far too energetic and outspoken for most church kids. If any showed interest in friendship, their parents either didn’t approve or viewed her as a “project”. After years of not fitting in with mainstream church-going youth, she chose to reject them and made friends with troubled kids of absentee or uninvolved parents.
Our younger two daughters may have had a chance at fitting in, but were tainted by their family, and our marginalization caused crushing anxiety.
I call what we experienced “judgment”, because I think it stems from an attitude of superiority – not wanting to associate with anyone strange or defective. And I think it is the most common type of judgment that we all find objectionable, but not necessarily what Jesus had in mind when talking about judgment – more on that later.
What we have experienced could also be called “prejudice”, and is not a modern invention. James wrote to the first century church:
My brothers and sisters, do not show prejudice if you possess faith in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ. For if someone comes into your assembly wearing a gold ring and fine clothing, and a poor person enters in filthy clothes, do you pay attention to the one who is finely dressed and say, “You sit here in a good place,” and to the poor person, “You stand over there,” or “Sit on the floor”? If so, have you not made distinctions among yourselves and become judges with evil motives? Jas 2:1-4
Churches, Stop Judging! (Right?)
After hearing our sad tale, you may wonder why we still bother with church!
The thing is, I am a follower of Christ – the lover of my soul. I am not a follower of Christians – not even the really great ones.
Modern American churches have lots of work to do getting rid of judgmental prejudices!
Even so, I just can’t join the no-judge mantra.
For one thing, we experienced the same disapproval from neighbors, schools, and even some family members – none of whom claimed to be Christians. Is there a public outcry for schools to stop being so judgmental?
Stories like ours may give weight to the non-judgment camp, but the demand for Christians to sit down and shut up about moral beliefs misses the heart of the problem.
The often-quoted Matthew 7 passage (above) goes on to show Jesus was actually addressing the problem of hypocrisy.
Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye,’ while there is a beam in your own? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matt 7:4-5
He doesn’t say leave your brother’s speck alone. He says don’t be a hypocrite about it.
The collection of “don’t judge” verses let the church know its primary function is not about judgment. Judgment is coming, but it is not our job – and when we overstep our bounds, it can be destructive for everyone involved.
Problems arise when Christians get too wrapped up in the practice of religion and lose sight of the love of Christ for a lost world. That is the real issue. Jesus had only harsh words for the religious of his day, but love for those on the fringe. We need to remember the mission of the Church is to have unity in Christ so we can bring His message of salvation to the world.
But the other side of the coin remains.
Though Jesus loved and accepted the outcasts of his day, he did not accept their sins as o.k. He never said, “this prostitute is joining us and we are not going to judge what she does for a living.” Time and again he said, “Your sins are forgiven, go and sin no more.” Sounds like a judgment (they had been sinning) and a requirement to live differently. He definitely had expectations of His followers.
Jesus example was to love and offer salvation so that sinners could escape judgment. “No judgment – only love” skips the offer of salvation part – going straight to release from judgement. The opposite extreme skips the love part – going straight to condemnation – equally false.
A number of scripture passages (the remainder of Matthew 7 being one) call on Christians to correct fellow believers with love and kindness.
If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. Matt 18:15
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Galatians 6:1
The key is love, or this becomes simply an exercise in shutting out the ones who don’t look and act like us.
And though this type of loving correction is only for those who claim to be believers . . .
It isn’t my responsibility to judge outsiders, but it certainly is your responsibility to judge those inside the church who are sinning. God will judge those on the outside. I Cor 5:12-13a
. . . we are commanded to preach the Gospel to unbelievers, which by its very nature is a judgment of their need for Christ’s salvation.
Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction. 2 Timothy 4:2
Hope for Churches?
Our church-wandering family has finally found a home – a body of believers who follow the Bible, who don’t lower their standards but also welcome and love all the misfits and damaged people who show up. It isn’t perfect. Expecting churches to be perfect is like expecting families to be perfect. It will never happen and that’s o.k.
But when we see each other through the eyes of Christ, we know every single soul – in a church pew, on a street-corner, in a mansion, in a hospital, or in a prison cell – no matter where we encounter our fellow human, that person is dearly loved by God just as we are. That understanding starts to melt away the prejudices and unloving judgments.
