I have already mentioned my once-upon-a-time ambition to be “Best Mom Ever”. I’m pretty confident that would have worked out for me – if it weren’t for my kids! . . . And my life!
I know I’m not alone here. Vast numbers of parents do the best they can in less than optimal child rearing environments. Believe me, when half the parental unit is physically and/or mentally ill – and many other adults are stand-offish, passively critical, or outright hostile – bringing up healthy new adults can be a challenge! Those of us managing too much stress, not enough time, and limited resources require a streamlined and basic parenting strategy.
God graciously dropped some great parents in my path. From their experiences, I have gleaned some tips for overwhelmed parents that I would like to share. (I suppose they can apply to “normal” parenting too.)
Love and Prayer
This advice came to me second hand from my grandmother. She had eleven children, born mostly in the 1930’s . . . a pretty rough era. My grandfather became ill in the late 1940’s, leaving him unable to work. The older siblings got jobs to help support the family. Some kids more than others exhibited anger and rebellion, but all eleven grew up to be basically well-rounded, successful, members of society. People often asked Grandma, “How did you do it?”
She answered, “I loved them and prayed for them.”
On the surface this seems pat and simplistic . . . but on closer inspection, it’s huge.
I literally do not have time to be the kind of parent I would like to be. And in the precious time I do spend with my kids, I am flawed. Love may be tough, but requires no time or money . . . it’s simply how we live with another person.
I Corinthians 13: 4 – 8a Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
As I shepherd my girls I strive to be patient, kind, protecting, trusting, hoping, persevering – not proud, nor dishonoring the kids, not self-seeking, easily angered, or keeping record of wrongs. Obviously easier said than done . . . but these are the goals I use to measure my days and correct my attitudes and actions.
Prayer for my children does take some time but taking time to meet with God is as essential for survival as eating and sleeping. Granted, it can be challenging to find time for these essentials, and they are usually intermittent and interrupted, but if I can grab something to eat as I head out to pick up a kid, I can also grab a word with God. And if I can insist on a few chunks of uninterrupted sleep – I can insist on some time with my Lord. For me, it has become an almost constant running conversation with God along with whatever time I can set aside.
Communicate with Scripture
Isaiah 55:11 So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.
A wise mom friend pointed out this verse to me, noting God’s Word does not return void. Prior to our conversation, I would not have seen this verse as relevant to me.
I started taking every opportunity to weave scripture into conversations and posted verses with important principles I want to instill in my girls on the walls around our house. For instance, next to the TV I posted the sign:
Philippians 4:8 Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
The hallway also makes a great gallery for general wisdom. There were a few grumbles when I posted some proverbs about hard work! But they seemed to appreciate some others such as, “man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart,” and “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” (Who needs “Frozen” to teach these principles?)
Ask Forgiveness
I gained the next few tips from my own upbringing, rather than spoken advice.
Possibly the most valuable lesson I learned from my parents – they not only admitted their mistakes, but even went so far as to ask us for forgiveness.
The head(s) of household confessing weakness may seem counter-intuitive but, let’s be honest, the kids already know – resisting only leads to resentment. Requesting forgiveness leads the family by example – the example of Godly humility.
If parents can make mistakes, take responsibility, and ask forgiveness – children are free to do the same. This example is much more powerful than the unhealthy pattern of maintaining a fake facade of perfection.
I know more than a few parents frustrated by their children’s refusal to take responsibility for the consequences of their choices – more often than not, these parents also refuse to take responsibility for their offenses against their kids. The offspring have learned by example – asking forgiveness is a sign of weakness and they will never admit weakness in their perceived struggle for family dominance.
All parents make mistakes – we are human – wallowing in guilt is pointless. Taking responsibility and asking forgiveness is not.
I should clarify, I am not talking about throwing out an angry, “I’m sorry – I didn’t wash your uniform. I’ve got too much to do!” or some other exasperated explanation of why you have let your kids down. That is not an apology. That’s an excuse doubling as a guilt trip. (Yep, I’ve done it more than a few times – but also asked forgiveness for it.)
Asking forgiveness makes the next piece of advice possible.
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Be as interested and enthusiastic about conversations with your pre-teens (i.e. birth to eleven-ish) as you want them to be when they hit the “I-know-everything-and-my-parents-are-so-stupid-and-embarrassing” stage.
When the dreaded phase begins; insist on respect, but don’t over-react. Anger only shuts down conversations. Set reasonable boundaries and calmly enforce them with gentleness and firm resolve.
As I’ve mentioned many times – I am imperfect and inconsistent, but so far my teens have not withdrawn or shut me out. We talk frankly about God and faith, sex, drugs, homosexuality, bigotry, control freak teachers/parents, politics, bullies, mental illness, hopes, dreams, goals, discouragement, depression, suicide, Kardashians, and much more.
Pick Your Battles (or don’t sweat the small stuff)
Several beleaguered parents in one form or another communicated these next two truths to me.
Not everything is worth going to war over. Pride creeps in to convince us it ALL matters desperately – don’t listen to the lie.
If they forget to take a sweater on a cold day, they won’t die…and they will probably remember the next time. Don’t stress.
Do they really need perfect hair and/or clothes? The real question is; how do they treat others?
Rather than fight over food, only buy things you will allow them to eat . . . and don’t worry, they won’t starve.
Do Sweat the Big Stuff
When it comes to issues of respect – for God, for others, for you, for themselves, and for their home/possessions/pets/etc. – do not cut corners!
Taking the time to instill respect in your kids will pay off big time in the end. Of course, this needs to be done in love (see love section above) – without anger or harshness – so as they mature they will understand everything in life should flow from love.
photo credit: Michel Curi Helping With The Garden via photopin (license)
I know I let this slide way too much in my too busy parenting. These were my values and goals I hoped the kids would “inherit” but, just like prayer, no matter what crazy stuff is going on, take the time to enforce and reinforce respect.
Rest in God
To wrap up, remember God loves our family even more than we do – and unlike us, He loves perfectly. And unlike us, He IS in control of their lives. Believing our kid’s future success or failure depends entirely on us is a heavy, heavy load. The “perfect” parents may struggle under the weight and show the strain; but we overwhelmed, imperfect parents absolutely must lay down that unnecessary burden if we are to survive parenthood.
